Someone call the crane company . . . quickly please . . . I need a lift off the floor before I wet my pants from laughing so long . . . One Size FITS ALL . . . What a load of hogwash!  Whoever coined this term in the fashion industry obviously has lost sight of retail reality.

In some fast and furious research, I found that the latest revision on clothing sizes was done in 1975, over 40 years ago. 

A hole for your head.

The most acuate account of One Size Fits All is the humble poncho, by which I mean the ones that look like a table cloth with a hole for your head.  Even then you are stuffed if you have a big head!

I have always wanted a stunning Camilla caftan, or even more my price bracket, one of the cheap copies…but my pumpkin bum will not let me do them justice.  Plus, you need large breasts to create the tent peg-like effect to push out the fabric.  On me… the neck jumps from side to side when I move and catches on my wobbling thighs.  I think if I walked far enough, I would resemble a jolly Xmas cracker, with the fabric wrapping and twisting me up tighter and tighter.

Just because you put one size fits all on stretchy material also doesn’t mean anything.  Why Oh Why do simple things like this add to the long list of plus size challenges, magnifying issues with your anxiety and self-worth.

Living in hope!

It’s funny though, – don’t know about you, but I never seem to lose hope… I am always the glass half full when it comes to size labeling.  “Just try it…surely, they mean it this time.”

I think it comes down the years of shopping, and if there’s a slight chance of something nice fitting, you will always give it a go.  It’s just a symptom of limited options I suppose.

Anyway, off I go to the fitting room with my handful of hangers, great splashes of colour and modest but still a little bit of bling.   I have already justified and sold myself two tops… one for black pants and the other a bit longer that will go with leggings (Yep, the good old leggings… maybe white ones…we’ll see).

I take off my trusted cotton patchwork dress, stand for a quick few seconds while my skin cools down.  My anxiety and moving about in a small space make me hot … while I’m cooling, I notice something that probably would have been better to see when I got home.

Hairy scary. . .

I had forgotten to shave under my arms… thank god I’m not so hairy, but I could see why some would find it offensive… (Note to self – Shave underarms if new razors available – gotta be quick with teenage girls sharing a bathroom, new sharp razors disappear fast).

Ok, on goes the first top… head through first…oops take off my sunnies on top of my head, oops they fall have way down inside… yep…put one arm through the first armhole… going well so far… yep…other arm… jeez, I’m glad I don’t have big boobs… (NO I’m not…no..big boobs in this style make the top look better).  Phew, I wish I wasn’t so sticky… I pull down carefully… yep..down to my waist and there it STOPS… No amount of stretching, wriggling will get over my big bum… Do you think I could remodel it…and make it a midriff?  It truly looked huge on the hanger… its something that a good sharp pair of scissors couldn’t’ fix!

Small tall mirrors. . .

Do you sometimes think that our own personal view of our body is warped?  I have had family members highlight that in some of my bathrooms I only had a mirror where I could see my face… Maybe in my own mind, I only own the top half (the best half) of my body?  Does anyone else think like this?

I should have checked if it was wide enough before being over euthanistic!  I could have checked by simply holding it up against the top of my legs.. (where my Wide Load sign would be if I was a semi-trailer) why would I not do this?  I’ll tell you why.  Because I really wanted to believe the label…

One Size Fits All!  Retail Trickery!

And this my lovely ladies is why Plus Size Women have such a great sense of humour.  You just bloody well have too. (Bugger…I did pledge to myself that I wasn’t going to swear in my blogs.. hope you don’t mind).  It would be pretty stupid if we all got sad and sooky just because a top didn’t fit.  What a waste of energy and emotion.  (Save it up for a good movie I say…)

The humour really sets in when it comes to getting the top off… You can imagine… and big breasted women may have more to say about this than me… But I didn’t have to dislocate my shoulder or my elbow to get it off…but it did make a few funny noises… like creaking sounds.  Oops…

Undergarment assistance!

In spite of this shopping disaster, it did, however, end up being an entertaining expedition – and I survived to tell the tale.  Since then I have found a similar dress, that with a bit of undergarment assistance… I should be able to walk at least from a car to a venue without getting too twisted up…and if I stand reasonable still at a party, I can look glamourous for a few hours.

I have always been of the opinion that feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time, energy and emotion.  The fitting room experience is totally in the hands of the retail industry.  Maybe One Size Fits the majority of the population, or maybe it used to. . .

Care factor?

If fashion designers and manufacturers truly care about their brand and how they make their customers feel, maybe a review of sizes is long overdue . . . Or god forbid…they may even invest in training their sales staff to advise and personally fit customers as they did in the old days.

All I can say, ladies if you are in the right mood, give it a go… you never know. You could be one of those ones where  … One size does fit all!

Big Lady Hugs… Scroll down to comment.

(Note:  I have only dreamed of trying on a Camilla, and this experience does not relate or directed to this brand + thank you inoa for making one big enough for me)